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Woman types into blog software. And the next thing that happens is mind-boggling.

Do you respond to clickbait? I really

really

really

really

want to.

I want to click on that headline, which always has the same sentence structure:

[Person] [verbs] [object]. And the next thing that happens will [outrageously over-stated verb] you.

Are we done with this yet? Has Facebook yet inured us to to charms of that headline?

The answer is no. Here I am:

  • I started using the Internet when it was still called the Arpanet.
  • I got involved in my first flame-war when most people thought that anyone who was “flaming” needed a fire extinguisher. And quick.
  • I saw a demo of the Web very shortly after it had been invented. OK, I admit it: I thought it was inconsequential.
  • My husband invented the first animation app for the Web. I used it on one of my first websites.
Cute cat

This is an unbelievably cute cat picture I got by googling “cut cat photo.” Isn’t it unbelievably cute?? Don’t you want to click on it? Well, so there. I didn’t make it clickable. You’ll just have to look at its shining eyes and cute little white paws and sigh a big, deep sigh before you follow my instructions and go pay attention to your family, friends, or dog. (Or cat. We have cats, by the way. No dog-centricity here. None whatsoever.)

I’m not saying all this to brag. (In fact, I believe that the above facts may place me somewhere on the spectrum between “geek,” “dork,” and “really, really old.”)

I just want to lay things out here. I am not a neophyte. I used the word “newbie” before you were ever close to being a newbie. Perhaps before you were born.

Yet, I want to click on those links.

You know the ones. I see them on Facebook but I bet you see them all over because you’re cooler than I am and you actually know what the heck people use Instagram and Pinterest for.

[Person] [verbs] [object]. And the next thing that happens will [outrageously over-stated verb] you.

It’s like they have found the secret sauce of headlines.

Here’s today’s:

Man Pours Couscous On The Table, But The Next Thing He Does Is Mind-Boggling

Never mind the fact that the writer doesn’t understand capitalization rules. The reason I didn’t hotlink that is because You Want To Click On It.

So do I, so don’t feel so bad.

We all do. My clickbait headline of today is this:

Woman Wants To Click On Stupid Clickbait. What Happens Next Will Blow Your Mind.

Here’s what happens next:

I take my empty wine glass and leave my office. I go downstairs. I kiss my husband, who is making paella (god bless him). I find out what my children have been doing today. I refill my empty wine glass (god bless the winemaker). We sit at our dinner table and we talk. We talk of inconsequential things. We talk of consequential things. But never,

ever,

do we say to  each other:

“The next thing I’m going to tell you will

blow

your

mind.”

Because let’s face it. It’s clickbait. We all have better things to do with our lives.

Please stop reading this. Stop reading Facebook or Instagram or Pinterest. (Do you “read” Instagram and Pinterest or do some other verb to those?) Go to your family, your friends, or even your dog, and do something real.

Please, I implore you.

Woman Implores Readers To Stop Reading. And What Happens Next Is Really Not Very Important At All.

And that’s the way life should be.

Bye.

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